Okay, before we get into things, let us acknowledge that nobody is perfect. However, that is not a good enough reason to neglect knowing how to apologize to someone when you’ve done something wrong. It doesn’t mean you cheated, it could simply be a time you didn’t show them support when they needed it most.

The key to any lasting relationship is forgiveness–but it’s pretty hard to forgive someone who didn’t even apologize for their actions. When I came up with this topic, I sat and thought of real-life examples from my own experience. Whether I needed to apologize or I needed an apology from someone, I found that the death of most of my past relationships was caused by failure to apologize. Most times, when you apologize to someone and mean it, the two of you can push forward and continue pursuing a healthy relationship. As I always remind you, do not limit the term ‘relationship’ to just one type of relationship–these things go for platonic friendships, romantic relationships, and family relationships, too. I’m not saying that all mistakes can be made okay simply by apologizing, but there’s no harm in trying. So, if you’ve ever needed to know how to apologize when you’ve really messed up, here are 5 steps to doing just that. Let’s get into it!

1. Seek advice from a trusted source.

I believe in getting a trusted second opinion on just about everything, so in my case, if I’m feeling guilty or like I’ve done something wrong to someone, I tell a trusted source about it. I do this for different reasons, but ultimately it’s so that I can openly express myself without fear of being judged. When we do things we end up having to apologize for, the motive is not simply to hurt someone. Sometimes we do it from anger, sorrow, and a heap of other emotions. When you confide in someone you trust, you can really let out all of your truths about why you made the choice you did.

Outside of that, the other most important reason I seek someone else’s advice is because I don’t have all the answers. The way that I might think it’s appropriate to apologize could be completely wrong. I could also do one of the worst things possible, not seek a second opinion and convince myself that I don’t need to apologize.

2. Accept and admit your fault.

FIRST, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS APOLOGIZE IN PERSON if you are physically capable of doing so.

Hopefully, you see the importance of confiding in someone you trust about what has happened. If they’re the kind of person I’m speaking of, I’m sure they supported you and encouraged you to apologize to the person you hurt. After seeking advice, you need to accept the hurt you’ve caused the other person involved and immediately apologize to them. No, none of us like admitting that we are wrong, but this is an important step in the other person being able to forgive you. Admitting what you did wrong will show the other person involved that you are aware of exactly the actions that caused them the hurt they are feeling. Although it sucks for you, they deserve to know that you understand the measures of your actions.

3. Verbally and visibly show empathy and remorse.

Some people say that saying, “I’m sorry,” doesn’t mean anything, but that isn’t necessarily true. Just saying, “I’m sorry,” isn’t all that matters when apologizing, but it is still a piece of the puzzle. This step is more of the ‘pay the price’ vs. ‘feel good’ step of apologizing. You’ve got to pay a price for your actions and the person you hurt deserves to feel good about hearing that. This step is supposed to support both of you in feeling confident that the apology is, indeed, a sincere one.

Verbally showing empathy and remorse means telling that person that you understand how bad your actions hurt them (and it wouldn’t be a horrible idea to share why you care about them so much in the first place). Visibly showing empathy and remorse leaves you room for creativity. Some people like to receive gifts like flowers, while others would appreciate a poem or written letter of affection. Hone in on what the person you’re apologizing to would consider a thoughtful gesture and offer that to them as a sincere token of your penitence.

4. Present a solution they can trust.

Long ago, I was told never to present a problem without a solution. I don’t think that this is only applicable in school, work, or business. I live by it. When you apologize to them, do it genuinely so they can trust that this will not happen again. The apology doesn’t have to be elaborately drawn out, but it should be true and trustworthy. Yes, that means deleting lines of temptation (I.E., telephone numbers, followers, and the means for any other temptation you may have) and eliminating other sources that caused the problem in the first place. You’ve got to show them that you mean it when you say it won’t happen again. If this step is hard for you, think of how you would feel if whatever you did, happened to you… let that (probably sh*tty) feeling motivate you to follow through with this step.

5. Don’t f*ck up again (at least not in the same way).

Plain and simple. Don’t go through all of this only to repeat the “same mistake” again. You deserve what’s coming to you if you do. That’s just my personal opinion. If you find that you’re still falling short of your promises and leaning toward whatever tempted you initially, remove yourself from the relationship so that you’re not hurting that person again.

It sucks to have the same wound opened twice. Trust me.

Love always, Isis.

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