I felt the same way, honey.
“I don’t need any man to tell me where to go, when to get there, and how I’ll be dressed once I arrive.”
I have always been comfortable with who I am and I’ve never felt the need to tone that down on the account of anyone else. My father wasn’t around much when I was young. I had only ever listened to my mother and the people that she told me I had to.
So, yeah. I probably have daddy issues.
A disclaimer before we dive in—if that doesn’t sound relatable or understandable, then there’s a strong possibility that nothing else I’m about to say will either. Here’s what I found in a relationship once I left the hot girl behind. Let’s get into it.
“Listening” to him was difficult at first, but it paid off.
When I say “listening to him,” I don’t mean it in the sense that you’re being controlled. I mean it in a way that represents the respect I have for him and what he desires from me in order to make this relationship work. BE CLEAR. LISTENING was and still is hard as hell for me to do… but I tried it out and it’s proving itself to be an extremely important key to a meaningful relationship. I used to feel like he was “dictating” and then I realized that I was just a hard-headed, self-absorbed pain in the ass—not all the time, but enough for it to be a problem within our relationship. With that being said, this kind of privilege isn’t one you give to just any guy. He needs to be deserving of it and he needs to understand exactly what it is you’re doing for yourself, him, and the relationship.
It needs to be your decision, not his ultimatum.
I cannot express enough that I did not allow him to force me to leave the Hot Girl behind. I made the choice to approach this relationship with a different frame of mind. I wanted to show him that even though I am a free-spirit who does what I want, I was willing to put my Hot Girl mindset aside in order to fully be present in our relationship. I wanted to give it my best effort because I felt his pursuit was deserving of my full attention and my strongest effort. No questions asked, it has to be YOUR CHOICE because, at the end of the day, a woman who doesn’t want to be tamed can only be controlled.
It builds a strong sense of trust between the two of you.
Learning to control the Hot Girl in me has truly impacted the level of trust my partner and I are fostering within our relationship. Simply put, I don’t behave in a way that would lead him to question or doubt my loyalty to both him and what we’re trying to build together. Instead of approaching my decision with the mindset that “he’s just going to have to accept who I am,” I’m approaching my decision with the mindset that he deserves a better version of me… and so do I.
You don’t have to desert the Hot Girl, you just have to learn to reserve the Hot Girl.
Ultimately, I had to learn that the issue wasn’t the fact that I channeled my inner Hot Girl. The problem was me not understanding that everyone didn’t and doesn’t have the right to experience her. I had to learn that my Hot Girl energy needed to be earned. To be honest, he literally told me that just before we began dating and that’s one of the main things that truly pulled me in. Now, I can give Hot Girl energy with no remorse to the man who deserves it, and baby, let me tell you—you haven’t begun to truly encompass your inner Hot Girl until you come to this realization.
The hardest part is convincing yourself that you should do it.
If you’re anything like me, coming to terms with changing yourself for anyone is a hard pill to swallow. It’s uncomfortable and can even make you feel like you’re not with the right person. What I had to learn was that I wasn’t changing, but growing. Finding better ways of representing myself for the betterment of my relationship was a choice—MY choice—and that in itself felt good as hell. I was thinking of more than just what I felt I should be in a relationship for a change and I’m honest enough to say that. The Hot Girl in me was a very brash version of me at first glance. I loved that he saw right through that.
It came with instant gratification.
I was so gotdamn happy to be able to sit my Hot Girl down. I’m not gonna lie. Sis was tired as hell! Tired of being misunderstood. Tired of getting hurt. Tired of being the object of affection, but just a hair short of being “girlfriend material.” All that shit. And the day that I witnessed him realize and appreciate not just the fact that I was putting forth the effort to change, but how hard that was for me in the first place… chiiiile—it instantly knocked me clean off my feet and solidified that my Hot Girl was gonna be reserved for him!
It ain’t easy, but it’s worth it.
There will be times when you feel like you want to go back to your old ways—especially when you fight. There will be friends who will tell you you’re changing for a relationship when you shouldn’t be—especially when it comes to things you used to do with them that you’re no longer interested in doing. There will be moments where you wonder if you “still got it”—especially when you’re not keeping up with yourself, which can be easy when you’re focused on being completely present in your relationship. I’m not going to act like I haven’t been there. Hear me well. It won’t amount to the beauty of your growth. It won’t compare to the happiness you feel providing the person you care about with all the reasons to trust you. And it for damn sure won’t impact how you see yourself knowing how much effort you’ve put into being better because you know what you want and deserve out of life and love.
Here’s to keeping our sacred energy sacred for only those who deserve it!
Love always, Isis.