There are some people in my past that I wish I would have treated better. For the record, I’m sorry.
I was in a very different space in life for many years. I was trying to heal from traumatic events and I was dealing with—well, masking—tons of emotional distress. It’s no excuse for my behavior, but I just want you to know that, in my defense, I wasn’t well.
There were some romantic relationships, family relationships, and friendships that I really could have dealt with better. I’ve ghosted a person or two in the past. I’ve broken promises to people I really cared about. I’ve said some really terrible things to people who didn’t deserve to hear them the way I presented them. I’ve disappeared on people without an explanation. Simultaneously, I acknowledge that I could have spoken up about where I was mentally instead of reacting the way I did.
I was wrong and there are some things I want you to know…
I genuinely apologize for how my behavior may have affected you.
Seriously, I can’t say sorry enough for being so inconsiderate of how you would feel after I made the decision to do what I felt was best for me at the time. I want to say that my sentiments were that you’d be okay without me, but the truth is probably more along the lines of the fact that I knew I’d feel better making that choice—regardless of how it would make you feel. I can see that now.
I didn’t intend to hurt you, I just chose me.
I don’t want you to think I did it maliciously. I never intended to hurt you in any way. I did mean to choose me. I did mean to make the decision(s) that suited me best in the long run. Again, I wasn’t in the keenest state of mind at the time, but I did know that making me happy made things better. At least that’s the way it seemed.
I actually felt bad about hurting you.
Even though I was happy to choose myself, I did feel really bad about hurting you. I never wanted to make you feel invaluable or neglected. I didn’t feel good about leaving you in a position to wonder what went wrong or where things went wrong between us. I admit that an explanation of some type could have eliminated some of the sour feelings you might have towards me now, but I’m trying to make amends. And I give myself credit for that because not everyone chooses to apologize.
At that point in my life, cutting people off was an easier option for me.
The simple truth is, then and now, cutting people off is an easier option than having to explain to someone why they don’t hold presence or purpose in my life anymore—and it’s not always their fault. That’s what makes it hard. I’ll also admit that I’m not the type of person that feels like I have to share why I make the decisions I make. That also makes this type of situation incredibly hard on me. I am working on it.
Even though I didn’t do it properly, I did need to separate myself from you.
Piggybacking on the previous point, I know that I didn’t handle the situation in the best way, now. At the time though, I really did think I was doing what was best. Even though I could have done it differently, I’m not upset that I chose to separate myself. Sometimes, making the difficult decision to leave a situation ends up being the better option simply because the bridge isn’t always necessarily burned. The option to come back to that bridge and repair or cross it is still on the table later in life.
I really do want the best for you, but I know it’s not me.
I never want you to think that I don’t truly want the best for you, but I can accept that I am not what’s best for you. What’s good to you isn’t always good for you. You don’t deserve to feel deserted and I’m not happy that I helped you feel that way. Still, it’s my belief that what you’re looking for wasn’t me or in me particularly, and that’s okay, too.
I’ve forgiven myself and I hope you will too.
Simply put, I want you to know that I apologize for how I handled our situation. I apologize for hurting your feelings. I apologize for leaving you in the dark. I am sorry. I also want you to know that I have accepted my place in this and I have forgiven myself for making a wrong decision at a time when I believed it to be the right one. I never meant to make you feel like you weren’t deserving and I hope you’ll find a way to forgive me too.
Here’s to crossing that bridge again.
Love always, Isis.